feb. 1

going insane, do you want anything?

here is a list of all of the things in the last week that have threatened to drive me absolutely 100% up the wall bonkers:
• my friend, who has a girlfriend that he never talks about, deciding to put his arm around the back of my chair and look at me like i'm the most interesting person in the world. and asking me lots of questions about my life and bringing me his favorite cookies and walking into my apartment and ducking down for a hug because he said he needed one after a long day. and comparing our fucking hand sizes!! but he doesn't do shit like this as much when other people are around so i feel like i'm going insane.
• the fact that the aforementioned friend is much more interesting and fun around my american friends than around his european friends.
• the charli xcx song party 4 u and the magnetic fields songs all the umbrellas in london and when you're old and lonely.
• the fact that i've been having absolutely unhinged dreams this week and sleeping at odd times. and that i've been finding it hard to finish books or focus.
• the overwhelming loneliness, as usual.
• listening to miserere and crying in a beautiful catholic church, despite being very much jewish. that one's more of a symptom, i guess.
• trying to buy vintage shoes on the internet.
• the fact that i have no idea what i want to do with my life and no idea what i should do for the next couple years.
• the fact that belle and sebastian fall is now fully magnetic fields winter. not sure what that says about my mental health.
• when people come over to my place for dinner and specifically guys do the dishes but they do such a shit job that i end up having to rewash them anyways.
• drinking too much coffee and getting a headache.
• people cancelling plans.

to be clear, there have also been good things! it's ice cream for breakfast day today, i had lots of people over for dinner thursday and friday and people complimented my cooking and someone actually moaned biting into an apricot hamentaschen i made. my coworker told me that he saw me and melanie at mulholland drive and wanted to say hello but didn't. melanie kissed me sweetly outside the train station. one of my students brought her three-year-old son to a meeting and he was so cute -- they had matching glasses and he played with blocks and tried to hang his hoodie up on the back of his chair and was delighted by my attempts to amuse him. i bought some lovely ceramics on super sale at a random store that i walk past all the time and the woman at the till told me that my command of the local language was impressive for an american (she was just being nice, i'm not very good at all, but it was very nice). the sun is out today and i'm going to go for a long run.

anyways.

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