hi! sorry i've been neglecting you lately, things have been a little hard. i'm having an existential crisis about my life and my future and whati want to do. i was sort of obliquely hoping that my teaching gig for this year would be renewed despite the fact that i largely dislike my job, but now it looks like that's not going to happen, and to add insult to injury the one person who seems to be actually getting renewed barely does any work at all. i feel like i worked so hard for naught. but oh well - that's life. the sun has been out lately, surprisingly enough, and it makes me miss home something awful, the specific green-and-goldness of the area i grew up in and driving with the windows down in the summer. i feel like i have no home. i could go back to the states, but what would i go back to? i have friends, but none like i have here. the other thing that is driving me bonkers right now: i have a friend who i sort of have a crush on. it's not that i'm attracted to him physically, per se, but we're close and i just want to hang out with him all the time. sex doesn't enter into it, just my desire for closeness with other people (to be fair, though.....). i feel like all i want is intimacy with other people. he's been very busy recently, so i haven't seen him so much, and it makes me feel bad and lonely. but he has a million friends and so i feel pathetic always asking him to hang out! and his girlfriend, who he never talks about but has been with for five years, is visiting him this week. i can feel myself being obviously weird about it to my other friends, and i wish i could stop it but i don't know how. i'm a little jealous of his other friends and jealous of his girlfriend, not because i want to date him or anything so gauche but because i want to be as important to him as he is to me. again - i should just tattoo "needy little freak" across my forehead. maybe i should just move back to the states -- at least there's more cute jews there, so i could be driven insane by lots of different people instead of just this one.
next.